Anathema
by the Chronic Meltdown
Summary: She says, 'I love you.' AU, NanoFate.


She says, "Things are changing."

She says, "You aren't who you used to be."

She says, "I can't do this anymore."

**Anathema**

_definition:  
__**1. **__A formal ecclesiastical ban, curse, or excommunication._

_**2. **__A vehement denunciation; a curse._

_**3. **__One that is cursed or damned._

_**4. **__One that is greatly reviled, loathed, or shunned._

You're standing at the very edge of a precipice, looking down into the water. You stand watching eyes that watch you from beneath the waves.

_Come with us,_ they seem to say.

They seem to say, _Take the dive. It doesn't hurt._

_It doesn't hurt,_ they seem to say, _so come with us._

You think, _Stop it._

You think, _Don't look at me._

You think, _I can't bear it._

You think, _I can't do this anymore._

_Please, stop it, _you think, and the eyes grin at you ferociously.

They grin at you, ferociously.

They are waiting for your fall.

-o-

"Say, Nanoha-chan…?"

The girl's breathing pauses, shimmers in the air. It is cold outside. It is snowing. The girl's breath shimmers in the air, hovers in the air, like something precious, before fading.

"Yeah…?"

You slide closer, almost imperceptivity. The brown haired child is too focused on rolling around snow in the palm of her hand to notice.

"Do you like anyone?"

The girl blinks. Pauses. She tilts her head at you.

She's saying, "What?"

She's tilting her head at you, with those goddamned sparkling eyes, with that silky hair, with that beautiful face. She's sixteen. You are three months her senior.

She's saying, "What?"

There's a flush across her face. She's too endearing. She's too beautiful. She could be yours, if only you could bring yourself to speak. The words are stuck in your throat, and your heart is hammering in your chest, and there's a little voice in the back of your head that tells you not to do this.

That tells you, _Take the dive._

That tells you not to do this.

That tells you, _Take the dive._

That tells you you're going to lose yourself completely if you do. That tells you you're going to go absolutely mad if you don't try.

She's saying, "What?"

She's like a broken record, playing the same thing over and over again, and if you were more observant, you'd notice that she's only doing this because she wants you to say what you want to say, that she wants you to say what she wants you to, that she wants you to say what she knows is coming.

If only you can bring yourself to speak.

She's saying, "What?"

And then finally, you speak. "Go out with me?"

-o-

Your mother hates your guts.

Your mother loathes you with every fiber of her being.

Your mother abhors the fact that you're just like your sister, down to ever miniscule detail.

She tells you, "Keep your fucking legs closed."

She tells you, "Alicia's doing better in Chemistry."

She tells you, "You can't do anything at all, can you?"

_No, I can't._ You think.

_No, I can't_. You think.

_No, I can't, _you think, _but I got the girl anyway, didn't I?_

_Alicia didn't get her, did she? Alicia didn't get her._

You hate your sister's guts.

Sometimes you wish she would die.

-o-

She says, "I love you."

She says, "I can't live without you."

She says, "I adore you."

You sit there with your hands folded on your lap. You sit there and you watch her. You sit there and her eyes water, and you want to tell her you're sorry, that you really like her, that you just need more time to feel it, that she's all you have left.

You don't tell her anything. You don't have the guts to say it.

Instead, you say, "You have beautiful eyes."

Instead, you say, "They go with the weather."

Instead, you say, "It's a very nice day, today."

You like her.

Damn it, you really like her. You want to hug her, and kiss her, and touch her, and just hold her, as cheesy as it sounds. But you love her. You're sure you do.

You just haven't built up the courage to say so.

She says, "Thanks."

She says, "That's very thoughtful."

She says, "I'll be right back."

Her voice is flat.

There are tears in her eyes as she turns away.

You could shoot your fucking foot off.

-o-

Alicia says, "Hey, there, Fate-chan."

She says, "I've got something for you."

She says, "It's a present."

It isn't your birthday. It isn't your graduation. It isn't anything particularly special.

You don't like this.

You say, "Okay."

You say, "Thank you."

You say, "You really didn't have to."

Alicia smiles at you. Her eyes tell you, _Come with us._

Her eyes tell you, _Take the dive._

Her eyes tell you, _We'll be there to catch you._

You think, _Something's wrong with this._

You think, _I don't trust this._

You think, _I don't like this._

She drops the package in your hands. You open it. You take out the wrapping.

There is something cold against your fingertips.

You pull it out.

It is beautiful.

It is beautiful.

It is- "What the fuck?" You say, "What the fuck?"

You say, "What the hell are you thinking?"

You say, "What the fuck are you planning?"

She says, "Take it."

She says, "Join me."

She says, "Why don't you pull the trigger?"

And then she disappears.

-o-

You're standing on the shore, looking out into the sea.

You're thinking, _I hope you die._

You're thinking, _God damn you, Alicia._

You're thinking, _I love you._

You're standing on the shore, looking out into the sea, when the eyes return.

The eyes that say, _Join us._

The eyes that say, _Come with us._

The eyes that say, _There's nothing left for you here._

The eyes that say, _Take the dive._

"No," You say out loud, "No, I won't."

You say, "I won't."

You say, "I have Nanoha, here."

The eyes reply, _But for how long?_

The eyes reply, _How long until Alicia steals her away?_

The eyes reply, _You stupid girl._

You think, _I'm sorry._

-o-

The phone rings.

You stand from your seat. You take the receiver in your hands. You press, 'Talk'.

"_Hi, Fate-chan…"_ Nanoha says.

She says, _"I need to talk to you."_

She says, _"Can I talk to you in private?"_

You say, "Sure."

You say, "I'll meet you at the park."

You say, "I'll be there in ten minutes."

She says, _"Thank you."_

She hangs up.

You feel like the world is beginning to end.

-o-

You are dressed and nearly out the door when Alicia bounds up to you.

Alicia grins at you.

Alicia smirks at you.

Alicia's eyes tell you to take the dive.

"You're a fucking loser." she says, and you believe it.

"You're a fucking loser." she says, and she's out the door before you can say a word.

-o-

She says, "Things are changing."

She says, "You aren't who you used to be."

She says, "I can't do this anymore."

You're saying, "What?"

She's crying, and saying, "I'm sorry."

You're saying, "What?"

"I'm sorry." she says, "I'm sorry.

You can't believe it.

You're saying, "What?"

"I love you, Fate." she says.

She says, "I love you, but you're changing."

She says, "You're scaring me."

She says, "I saw your gun."

You're saying, "What?"

She says, "I can't do this anymore."

She says, "I don't think you're stable."

She says, "I love you."

It's a sort of desperate plea. You're blinking.

You're having trouble computing.

You saying, "What?"

She says, "I'm sorry."

You're remembering the beginning. You're remembering her shy eyes. Her bright smile.

She's beautiful. She's crying.

She's clutching your shirt, sniffling.

She's clutching your shirt.

She's saying, "Sorry."

And then she isn't.

Then she's backing up, her expression one of horror.

Then you feel the gun in your hand.

Then you see Alicia in the distance, smirking at you.

She's sitting crossed-legged on a fountain.

She's beautiful.

Alicia's beautiful.

So is Nanoha.

"No, wait." You say.

You say, "Please."

You say, "This is all Alicia's fault."

You say, "Please forgive me."

Nanoha blinks. Her expression twists into one of physical pain.

She's saying, "What?"

She saying, "Who the fuck's Alicia?"

You pause.

She looks at you with disbelief. She looks at you with something that's akin to horror. She looks at you with expectancy. She looks at you like she loves you. She looks at you like she's terrified of you.

You can't stand it.

"What do you mean, who the fuck's Alicia?" You say.

You point in your twin's direction.

You say, "She's my sister."

She looks over her shoulder, sees Alicia, looks back at you.

"You sister?" she says, and there's growing hysteria in her voice.

She says, "What sister?"

She says, "You don't have a sister."

Your hands are trembling.

You're pale. You're beautiful. Your eyes are red. Your hair is blonde.

You have an identical twin.

You're standing in snow in midday with a gun in your hands.

You're standing in snow in midday with a gun in your hands, a gun you want to press against your forehead.

"Alicia." You say.

You say, "Alicia."

She's saying, "You don't have a sister."

She's saying, "Fate."

She's saying, "You don't have a sister."

The gun is solid in your hands.

Your hands are trembling.

The gun is solid in your hands.

And then, as she takes her hand to yours, it isn't.

"You need help." she says.

She says, "You need help."

Your heart is pounding. You want the taste of metal in your mouth.

You want to pull the trigger.

You say, "I have a sister."

You say, "She's my twin."

You say, "She wants me to come with her."

You say, "She's fucking crazy."

You say, "She wants to kill me."

Nanoha's eyes are blue and dark and pained and beautiful.

They say, _That's just you, Fate-chan._

They say, _You hate yourself._

They say, _You want to kill yourself._

They say, _You're the one who's crazy_.

You think, _I hate you._

You think, _I hate you_.

You think-

And you collapse.

**A/N:**

Believe it or not, this _is_ a happy ending.

I give you an open ending. Either way, I didn't solidify it into the tragedy it was meant to be when I began writing it. So I leave it up to you.

Writing style's experimental. I enjoyed it.

Anyway, if you didn't get anything (because I can admit that it's pretty symbolic) please feel free to message me.

Shout out.

And a reminder I'm not dead. D:


End file.
